I thought I would’ve published my novella, but I’m still working at a book store.

I thought I’d understand politics, but at dinner parties I just talk about memes I saw on TikTok.

I thought I would’ve travelled the world, not just the pubs in my suburb.

I thought I’d be a domestic god, but I keep mixing my whites with my red socks and now everything I own is pink.

I thought I’d be a chef at a five-star restaurant, but I’m still making hot fudge sundaes at Macca’s.

I thought I’d be married with kids, but I’m living with my roommate who I’m secretly in love with, and seven cats.

I thought I would’ve redecorated my whole apartment, but I can’t decide where to move my soft toy collection.

I thought I would’ve tripped mushrooms and had an existential epiphany – well, I’ve achieved 50% of that.

I thought I’d have a kid, but instead I have anxiety, and a dog with anxiety.

I thought I’d be able to poach a perfect egg, but I prefer Pop-Tarts anyway.

I thought I would’ve moved in with my partner, but I just left them for someone I picked up at a party I crashed.

I thought I’d have my driver’s license, but I just got roller skates.

I thought I would’ve had a wild erotic threesome, but I just keep matching with thirsty creeps on Tinder.

I thought I would’ve submitted my debut film to a festival, but my high school video project is still in ‘drafts’ on my laptop.

I thought I’d be an incredible cook, but my current specialty is packet mac and cheese.

I thought I would’ve saved a deposit for a house, but this squat is actually pretty nice, except for the plumbing.

I thought I would’ve remained a loyal partner, and I think I have! Wait, what counts as cheating?

I thought I would’ve embraced aging with style, but now I have eczema from the all the retinol I put on my face.

I thought I’d be sipping cocktails on my balcony, but I’m drinking cask wine mixed with orange juice out of a mason jar.

I thought I would’ve stopped succumbing to eyebrow trends, but they just keep changing!

I thought I’d be besties with partner’s friends, but they keep doing inconvenient things like having kids.

I thought I would’ve replaced all the beer glasses I stole from pubs in my 20s, but like… they were free.

I thought would’ve retired the bong I got for my 21st, but I just keep daring people to drink the bong water.

I thought I would’ve settled on a career, but it’s hard to know whether I want to be a doctor or a psychologist. Or a photographer. Or just work in retail.

I thought I’d be in love, but I’m in debt.

I thought I’d be able to spell independant without auto correct.

I thought I’d have my own luxury homewares business, but I’m still trying to sell 3 macrame pot holders on Facebook Marketplace.

I thought I’d be dating an older sophisticated man and debating about current affairs, but he doesn’t even know who Zendaya is.

I thought I’d be engaged, but monogamy is a patriarchal construct.

I thought I’d have my sh*t together. But I don’t.

See THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD in cinemas on 26 December!